sometimes God wants you to Himself (part deux)

I wrote about the purpose of a quiet time in your social life a couple weeks ago. You can read that here.

Today, I am reminded of that need to be silent with God, not only just in a quiet time during the day, but sometimes my whole life has to be silenced in order for my relationship with God to grow. I’m also reminded of the need to pick my friends wisely, even when that means losing some. But when I think about that, I realize those people are not friends in the truest sense of the word. These people I speak of are those that are self-serving in their relationships, who are out to better themselves while leaving me drained and empty, without themselves helping to fill me back up. These are not the kind of people I want in my life, anyway.

“You want to surround yourself with goodness and with people who are uplifting and trying to be the best versions of themselves.”

Truth. Spoken by a friend of my who is exactly the opposite of self-serving. She is the truest friend I have ever had, and I deserve nothing of her friendship. But her words are so true.

These people in my life that I am losing have been of no benefit to me today or to my future tomorrow… Sadly, they were time-fillers and life-suckers. I am bad about letting go of relationships. Sometimes I feel bad that I have to be a little blunt to these people, letting them go. It’s like I’m firing them for doing a poor job. Often, they don’t get it.

I have learned over the past few years of my life, that letting people go is okay. I don’t have to be friends with everyone. I think it’s part of growing up – learning I don’t have to please everyone and I definitely don’t have to be everyone’s friend.

I struggled with that for so long, because, as a Christian I figured I needed to like everyone, and they me. That is so untrue. I can love everyone, but that will look differently from my best friend than it will my ex-boyfriend who speaks lies into my life. Loving him doesn’t mean hanging out with him. Loving him sometimes means keeping my mouth shut and praying for him.

These thoughts are still not final. I am still walking this season of my life and have so much to ponder and to learn. God is working. For now, I am thankful for those who love all of me – the good, the bad, the nasty – and am praying for those brothers and sisters I will one day call my friends.

Sometimes, God wants you to Himself

I have lost a few relationships this year. Friendships. Romantic relationships. I have gained a few also, but lately I have just been yearning for close relationships. I miss the years I spent in college with so many friends. I have a lot of friends here but many do not share my desire to seek God in all aspects of life. That is huge to me, and I just yearn for friendships with people walking that same path.

This past week in particular I have cried out to God to bring healthy, strong, beneficial relationships into my life. And then today I read God calling and was literally blown away. God spoke so boldly to my need:

The Joy of meeting Me should more and more fill your lives.  It will. Your lives must first of all be narrowed down, more and more, into an inner circle of life with Me (the three of us), and then, as that friendship becomes more and more engrossing, more and more binding, then gradually, the circle of your interests will widen.

For the present do not think of it as a narrow life.  I have My Purpose, My Loving Purpose, in cutting you away from other work and interests, for the time.

To work from large interests and a desire for great activities and world movements, to the inner circle life with Me, is really the wrong way.  That is why so often, when, through all these activities and interests, a soul finds Me, I have to begin our Friendship by cutting away the ties that bind it to the outer and wider circle.  When it has gained strength and learned its lesson in the inner circle, it can then widen its life, working this time from within out, taking then to each contact, each friendship, the inner circle influence.

And this is to be your way of life.

This is the way of the Spirit. Man so often misunderstands this.

That perfectly defines that state of my life. I have prayed recently that God would use the last days of 2012 to grow our relationship. I am seeking God and asking him to define me and my life, to draw me close to him. And now, I get it. He needs me to himself to strengthen out relationship before allowing others into my “inner circle.”

 

Thank you, Lord, for speaking what I needed into my heart today.

The more people I meet, the more I need God

I got off the phone tonight with someone and needed immediate prayer. I was so annoyed. Frustrated. Irritated. Mad.

I had to pray, I had to ask God to quiet my mind and give me thoughts that were glorifying to Him, rather than the nasty thoughts running through my head. “It’s people like this, Lord, that remind me of my significant need for You. At every moment.” And immediately I was at peace, but also pondering…

Not really. But sort of. I mean, I need God at every single moment of every single day no matter if I knew no one, or if I was the president of the U.S. But, the more people I meet the more I realize I need to be more dependent on God.

To hold my tongue for me.

To change my vindictive thoughts.

To speak truth to my heart.

To remind me whose I am.

To help me love my greatest enemy.

To bring me to righteousness.

I need God in order to serve God.

It is a sobering thought. But then I think about the stupid people I meet every day. I’m not kidding, the parents of a lot of the kids I counsel are lacking some basic skills I thought all human beings had. That shows my own stupidity/ignorance.

People will forever be difficult… And God will forever be there to help me “cope.”

 

[read the original post, here.]

eye openner

Please take the time to read this post by The Mayor’s Wife, titled, Eye Opener. It truly baffled me and reminded me of the importance of the small things in life. The man talks about his marriage, but I think it’s a valuable reminder for every relationship in our lives.

Happy Tuesday!

character [respect yourself. respect others.]

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (Gal 1:10)

That’s a tough verse for me to swallow. It’s so convicting.

Last night I spoke to a friend about my being a people pleaser and how it has hurt me so deeply. I cannot blame others for this pain – no, because of my desire to make others happy I at times hurt myself.

Wanting to make sure other people didn’t get hurt, I was damaged.

Making sure other people got their way made me lose my own.

The good news to the story I told my friend was that in the last year I have found significant value in myself and have understood the worthiness of my heart, so I could end the story saying, “but now I’ve learned to stick up for myself.” I don’t mean I don’t want others to be happy and void of pain, but no longer do I allow others to walk all over me in order to protect them, while crushing me.

I had another conversation recently with an old friend (and by old I don’t mean good. We were good friends. I mean old as in we aren’t really friends any longer). The point of our getting together was not to discuss our relationship, but we did touch on it a bit. I briefly brought up why I had to drop our relationship but did not tell her it was mostly because it was causing me way more harm than good, and finally (somehow… a.k.a. the grace of God) decided it was better for me to walk away, even though she would not understand. And during our conversation I realized she may never understand, even now. I realized she may always have a negative view of me; her friends and family may as well.

That is tough.

It is hard for a person who wants to please everyone to know that there are people that do not like them.

But it is okay.

What I’ve learned over the past year, along this journey of great respect for myself, is that I need to do what I know in my heart – through prayer and seeking – is the right thing to do. When you act out of love and with a clean conscious, not malice or deciet, you can walk away knowing your character stands.

That is freeing!

Give yourself permission to put your heart first.

You are worthy and your heart (your thoughts, your feelings, your opinions, your needs) matters.

[feelings] are okay

I don’t think I could have said it better, Zooey. As women, we so often are put down (whether strait-up or subtly) for our feelings. So, as time goes on many of us learn to shut down any feeling or emotion that arises and instead bottle them up.

For me, bottle up my feelings has caused a lot of pain – not only emotionally but physically, as well. I can tell when I’m not being open with my feelings, 1) because I know it in my head, but also 2) because my immune system starts to break down and illness seems more readily accessible.

My challenge to myself in the past month or so is to allow myself to truly feel the emotions that arise. They are valid only because they are. Sometimes, yes, I am irrational. Sometimes my feelings may not make sense to a second party, but they still are my emotions and I need to process them and allow myself to feel them. It is okay.

I give myself permission to relish my emotions, not dwell in them, but to give them life for their due time and then to move on.

As an early childhood therapist, I am daily stressing the importance of the kids “using their words” to express their feelings. So often all they know how to do is cry or stomp or hit or scream; they don’t have the vocabulary to tell me or their peer what is bothering them. You do. I do. You don’t have to share your feelings with anyone but don’t keep them inside and bottled up – process them somehow, whether that be talking about them, writing them, thinking them through, drawing them, etc., let yourself process them. They are there for a reason. You don’t choose them but you can choose how you react to them.

Finally, I do want to add something about living only on feelings and emotions. I don’t think this is okay either. While your feelings should be processed and worked through, they should also not rule your life. You were given the ability to think rationally for a reason. Use that ability. Part of allowing yourself to feel is knowing when to think through the feeling and dismiss it, and when to validate it for one reason or another. 

Life truly is about balance.

silence vs. speaking up

(source)

Over the past couple years I have had a reoccurring dilema: do I speak my mind when someone wrongs me and [as best as possible] tell them the truth and the way their words or actions affected me, OR do I keep my mouth shut for the most part, giving them unconditional love?

As a people pleaser and a girl trying her best to live like Jesus, I have a habit of looking out for the best of others. I rarely speak my mind if I know if will offend or hurt someone. There are so many times where I would love to spew a bunch of “word stones” at people and hurt them, like they did me. It’d feel so cathartic. It’d help me to get things off my chest. It’d get the truth out there. After all, they should be told so they can learn from their mistakes, right?

But, unfortunately, it’d also hurt that person. And likely make me feel like a moron.

So how do I tell someone how they hurt me while also showing them love and grace?

For so long I just kept my mouth shut. And that caused me an incredible amount of pain – both physically and mentally. So, while I was sparing the heart of another, I was hurting my own.

I don’t like hurting people. In fact, I really try to avoid it at all costs. I am, however, learning to stick up for myself. Maybe that means that person won’t like me, will be offended by what I say, will feel some pain. But here is how I decide what to say – can I walk away from the conversation with a clean conscious, that what I said was not out of malice or anger, but out of love and truth, honesty and openness? Do I leave feeling good about my words? Sure, I often feel sad at the end of such a conversation. I am sad that I had to hurt the person and they may never come to realize the truth in what I said. I am sad that I am causing any offense to a friend. My pride is screaming as it realizes that person likely has some negative feelings towards me. But I am free. What is most important is to remember to act out of love. If what you are wanting to say is what you wanted to say the minute that person caused you any offense, you likely shouldn’t have said it.

Take some time.

Be okay with how you feel.

Consider the other person’s feelings AND your own feelings.

Pray about it. Ask for help and clarity, direction and guidance.

Don’t speak out of hatred.

Don’t walk away feeling like a victor. Walk away knowing you spoke out of truth and honesty, and that it might take a long time, but hopefully that person will understand that one day.

Be an adult. [This is one of the most frustrating things to me – I often try to just be honest and talk about things, but so many “adults” haven’t learned that this can be healthy and good – it often is viewed as only a slam. Pride too often rules in such confrontational situations.]

But, all things considered – sometimes silence really is the best answer to a foolish response, a painful remark, an offended heart. It doesn’t feel good to stay silent, but sometimes that is what we are called to do. Write about it. Don’t talk about it with another person. Pray about it. Don’t lash out at the accuser.